I had a scare today and it made me think about constants. It’s been a long time since I felt real fear like that. I wonder why we cling on to the constants in our lives so much that the idea of losing one is so gripping. I read somewhere once that human beings seek familiarity. If you showed someone a series of random shapes and asked them to choose one, they would choose a shape that they have seen before. Consciously or not, they will find this particular shape to be more attractive than the others. I wonder if that is the real reason, if I can just peg it to human nature.
For me, my constants are my mother first, my family (who are my friends) second, my siblings third, and lastly, my job. Sometimes I feel really shit, cause I take a lot of them for granted. Constants are always there, they are reliable, and I will always expect them to be there. They are not few, and the circle is ever growing and changing; and the times that I think about losing one of them, I experience a tinge of panic, but then I push it away. I ignore it and tend to my other constants.
But today I faced the fear, perhaps not to the full extent, but at least a large part of it. And it really made me put things into perspective. Resolutions like “learning how to be more sociable” and “saving money to travel” suddenly sound so silly. My 3/4-year resolution is to never lose sight of the things that really matter to me.
Whenever I think of you, the first thing I see is your smile and the first thing I hear is your laugh. It’s my best picture of you and it’s crystal clear. And I will constantly fear the day that I might lose you.
And to my mother, I’ll say what I need to say to you after I give you a big, big hug.